Off the wagon

Well, we resumed drinking last night. I drank a few beers while playing poker. I didn't count how many, but it was enough after a few months off to give me a hangover. I had a mild headache all day, then rushed in late to a dress rehearsal for a choral performance tonight. At the conclusion of the first piece we sang I suddenly noticed that I was feeling more like myself. I was able to concentrate and enjoy the evening.

I felt so good that by the time I got home after the singing I was ready for another beer. I was thirsty and feeling celebratory. It was late, however, and it would mean one less to enjoy over the rest of the week. But I still wanted it. In previous times, the fact that I wanted it would have won out over all the other arguments. Now, however, I know I can manage, if not control my desires. I saved it for another night.

Here's my motto for the new year: "Informed intemperance"

End in sight

A week from Sunday I can allow myself a drink again. No more rueful sighs at 6:00 PM, after some outdoor work on a weekend, or when company comes. Once I remove the prohibition will I be able to control the impulse? Well, I controlled it in the past before I considered it a possible problem. I expect my old habits to reestablish themselves.

But if they do, is that a good thing? I have learned something about the centrality of alcohol in my life by doing without it. I hope I can return to it more judiciously in the months ahead.

I should come up with a set of questions I should ask myself in a few weeks or monthes time as a check of how I'm doing.

In a few weeks:

• Have I been drinking more than I did before I went on the wagon? ("More" means in excess of a dozen beers in a week or three bottles of wine in a week with one bottle of wine substituting for four beers.)


• Am I drinking when I go out to eat? (I did this before, but it's an indulgence and a budget-buster.)

In a few months:

• Do I try to conceal how much I have drunk?


• Do I drink after the others have gone to bed?


• Have I lost my temper more often?
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