My home stretch, but for some it never ends

Yesterday I realized I have five weeks to go before this experiment comes to an end. Cassandrus and I agreed that the last Sunday in Advent would be our last day on the wagon. Can I hoist a tankard after sundown? I may allow myself or I may just put it off another day.

If I resume drinking as usual, will I have learnt anything from this experience? Learning doesn't mean change, necessarily. I might say that I have learned that whatever problems I have aren't problems with alcohol. My life is little better or worse for having given it up. Perhaps that's because I did not launch any great self-improvement program of body or soul in conjunction with going on the wagon. I wasn't doing it for any particular reason, so it's not surprising that it hasn't accomplished anything.

I have learned something about the power of alcohol. I can stop drinking, but I can't stop wanting a drink. It's not a continuous thirst, but it is a distinct wish at certain times like the end of the day or in certain circumstances - like with the right foods, in company, under stress, at the end of a task, etc. Recovering alcoholics and former smokers say that the desire never goes away and I believe them.

Wagging the dog

I still find myself expecting a drink at certain occasions during the day. For instance, I thought about going to get a pizza for dinner tonight and pictured myself driving to the pizza parlor, giving my order to the server and then - AHH! - sipping a beer while it was prepared. I must admit that I in the past I have ordered pizza this way instead of calling ahead and simply picking it up so that I would have time for a beer and a few minutes of sports reporting on the restaurant tv. In other words, it was no accident that I took advantage of the time to have a beer. The whole outing was structured to give myself that opportunity. Consuming one beer away from the house gave me a headstart, by the way, so I could come home, drink my usual one or two, and be ahead of the game.

So, instead of saying that certain situations are cues for having a drink, I should say that the need to have a drink was shaping parts of my day. Oh, that's heavy. I've never looked at it that way before. So now I'm free to do things that aren't related to getting a drink. Well, what should I do with myself? I think drinking moderately and regularly as I did kept me from considering that question as seriously as I might have done. Or as I might do now.