Back on the wagon

Today I vowed to begin four weeks' abstinence from alcohol in order to lose weight. Shedding a few pounds was one achievement of the last period on the wagon. I undid it quickly though by returning to beer and abstaining from running.

In the five and a half months since I allowed myself to drink again, I have hardly thought about my experiment in abstinence. It was a different regime, to be sure, but it didn't change my consumption patterns at all. It seems I have two states: ON or OFF the wagon. Fortunately for me, the OFF state is compatible with family life and professional responsibilities. Drinking is part of an equilibrium that I seek to return to unless it's unavailable, in which case I make do.

Milepost,

One third of the way through the dry spell. Consulting the goals I outlined at the beginning, I note that I've lost a little weight (2% of starting weight) and that I'm sleeping through the night more often. So I've made some progress towards those goals. I'm running better, though that may just be a result of running more (ten miles yesterday morning, a half-marathon coming up this weekend). I still wish that I made more efficient use of time, though that may be a deeper issue.

Overall, I'm surprised at how little difference not drinking makes. At first I thought about it all the time, now only when I'm thirsty and ready to relax. Once the weather cools, I'll start brewing again.

Get thee behind me, Bacchus!

It's Thursday, so just as I did two weeks ago I came home with my throat dry from talking and with a feeling of elation at having taught a satisfactory class. Better circumstances for enjoying a beer you will never find. I surely wanted one, but I found myself concentrating instead on how to turn some leftovers into a meal and getting the news of the day from the family. When the meal was done I realized I could now stand the idea of not drinking. Desires come and possess us, but the sad and reassuring truth is that they pass. We are not constituted by our desires.

Wagging the dog

I still find myself expecting a drink at certain occasions during the day. For instance, I thought about going to get a pizza for dinner tonight and pictured myself driving to the pizza parlor, giving my order to the server and then - AHH! - sipping a beer while it was prepared. I must admit that I in the past I have ordered pizza this way instead of calling ahead and simply picking it up so that I would have time for a beer and a few minutes of sports reporting on the restaurant tv. In other words, it was no accident that I took advantage of the time to have a beer. The whole outing was structured to give myself that opportunity. Consuming one beer away from the house gave me a headstart, by the way, so I could come home, drink my usual one or two, and be ahead of the game.

So, instead of saying that certain situations are cues for having a drink, I should say that the need to have a drink was shaping parts of my day. Oh, that's heavy. I've never looked at it that way before. So now I'm free to do things that aren't related to getting a drink. Well, what should I do with myself? I think drinking moderately and regularly as I did kept me from considering that question as seriously as I might have done. Or as I might do now.

Unhappy hour

"Damn, I really want a beer." - That's what I said last night after I came home later than usual and had to deal with a little family crisis before preparing dinner and had to face the disappointment of NOT watching "South Pacific" on TV because thunderstorms were interrupting our over-the-air TV reception.

Again tonight, as I cooked dinner by myself, awaiting the rest of the family, I felt how incomplete the process was without a glass of something. I knew also that several bottles of wine and even a few beers were downstairs within reach. It would have been a sordid thing to break my resolution, though, and so I did not do it.

I mentioned how social situations provide cues for drinking. Now I see how other factors such as mood, appetite, and especially time of day also create strong expectations. They pass, though. Am I the better for letting them pass? I don't know. At least I have something to think about. At least I know that I can survive not fulfilling them.

Emotional distance

A counselor once advised me that alcohol put "emotional distance" between the drinker and his family. That was twelve years ago, and I remember it still because it touches what matters most to me - the family - and because, unlike a lot of criticisms about drinking that I can rationalize or dismiss, this one rings true.

For example, I like to think I'm available and open to my children. I can recall, however, instances of being just too sleepy to follow what they were saying. Alcohol isn't the only thing that can preclude emotional connection, and I don't say I can't drink and still be a sensitive dad, but at least a period of abstinence makes me more aware of what it costs me to drink. I'll know what to look out for next time I do.

Friday, I'm in love

Yesterday was my first alcohol-free Friday - probably ever in my adult life. In midweek I wasn't thinking about drinking so much. On Friday, however, I found myself feeling the need for a beer much more often. These unbidden promptings arose whenever I looked forward to the end of the day, when I strolled down Tryon St. past various places offering happy hours, and when I had a minute to kill waiting for a take-out order to be ready. There's something special about Friday that I have always marked with a drink. It signals that I can relax, shed responsibility, flirt and joke. That's why I always thought that the song by the Cure that I quoted in the title was an ode to the day itself rather than a declaration of fickle feelings.

Anyway, I passed up all the opportunities to sneak a beer and enjoyed the same dinner mentioned in the previous post. I relaxed and joked nonetheless.

The Fatal Glass of Beer

Thanks to Carol for a comment on Post #3. It puts things in perspective to reflect that the social problems caused by abstention from alcohol are nothing compared to those caused by drinking.

I'm looking forward to a new surge of energy and optimism . . . any day now . . . hello? I'll need it once the academic year begins. Two weeks from today I'll be in front of students again. I remember how much I looked forward to a beer after class. I'll have to devise some other reward. How about not delaying bedtime?

Living in my own private Ramadan

The Muslim holy month begins today. I think their self-imposed deprivations are harder than mine. I'm overcoming custom and habit, they're suppressing basic needs. Intentionally changing custom and habit has led so far to some reflections on self-improvement and the society in which I move. The point of fasting is to attain spiritual wisdom rather than mere insight into the workings of this life. This program of mine hasn't yielded any spiritual fruit yet, but I remain open to it.

I notice I haven't been drinking as much coffee - none at all the last two days. A mug of tea in the morning and one in the afternoon seems about right. This is not a substitution. I used to drink two to three cups of coffee on top of the tea consumption. I'm giving my urinary system a vacation.

So far, OK.

Perhaps, I thought, I should have begun this experiment at a later date - after the family visit - or ended it earlier, so as to be able to enjoy a glass or two at holiday gatherings. I think, however, if I had waited to choose the perfect time to attempt it I would never have begun. An impulsive commitment is one way to realize a good intention.

So far the physical effects are minimal. Sleeping is uneven, alertness and mood seem about the same. I don't think about beer all the time, just at the times when I would normally have one. I caught myself saying "Now for a beer while I grill some turkey burgers," yesterday, beer being one of reasons I enjoy grilling so much. I got over it. The task at hand was enough to take my mind off it, just as the sociability of a table full of cousins getting back in touch with each other took my mind off the absence of wine in my glass.

It's hard to refuse an offer of a drink without seeming to reject someone's hospitality. We have family staying with us this week, and I worry that I'm withdrawing from the festivities and not honoring them if I don't have a drink with them. It's hard also not to offer someone a drink and still feel like a good host.

If I were acting out of moral conviction about the evils of alcohol I might not feel this embarrassment. I am acting instead out of a sense of curiosity and of personal challenge. Now I see that abstaining from alcohol for an extended period will require some readjustments in my social interactions.

One makes decisions for oneself, but then commitments must be played out in social settings. Therefore, part of the resolve to change behavior should include discussion with those in one's social circle, for they will have the power to reinforce or undermine the commitment one has made personally. I made my decision in secret to the surprise of those who have served me drinks in the past.

Day two already!

From T at home:

A statement of goals:

I hope that not drinking for four and a half months will enable me to lose weight and perform better athletically, professionally and personally.

Weight - I weigh about 12% more now than I did in college, which was thirty years ago. My clothes tell me I've added a few pounds lately and I'd like to reverse this trend.

Athletic performance - I measure this chiefly by how far and how fast I can run, though I swim and bike too and have lifted weights in the past. Last year, at the peak of marathon training, I was able to cruise along at 9:00 to 9:15 per mile. If a five percent weight reduction resulted in a comparable increase in speed, I could expect to see times closer to 8:30 or 8:45.

Professional performance - I will be pursuing a full-time and a part-time job this fall, and I need to show better focus and time management than when I attempted the same last spring. Progress in meeting one set of responsibilities always came at the expense of meeting the other set of responsibilities. Maybe they can never both be met fully, but if not drinking leads to less self-indulgence and more realistic planning, I'll at least have given it my best shot.

Personal performance - I'll look for effects in terms of personal health and family life. The key to all this will be getting a good night's sleep. If I can sleep through the night or at least get back to sleep after the cats wake me up, I'll count more thorough rest as one of the benefits of this experiment and see which others flow from that.